Like sexual fulfillment, the typically male need for an attractive partner has been much maligned as superficial and shallow. However, it is a real need that has real life consequences. Both men and women perceive a man with an attractive partner as more successful than a man with an unattractive partner. There is a general understanding that the best of men get the first choice in women, and they will generally prefer the most beautiful.
I am gifted with a particularly beautiful wife, but the impressive beauty that she is on the outside is but a pale reflection of the beauty that shines from deep within her soul and spirit. Attractiveness is certainly physical in nature - the face, hair, body and clothes - but it is also substantially internal - character, social graces, attitude and love. When these qualities are possessed, it contributes to how one is viewed by others. Those with only a superficial desire for physical beauty may not notice, but those more interested in a serious relationship on deeper levels will look for internal beauty as well as external beauty.
Something people must consider is that much of external beauty can be time consuming and difficult to maintain. I enjoy looking at a beautiful woman as much as the next man, but I also realize that many of those beauties spend an hour or two, four hours in extreme cases, getting ready each day to look that good. The exceptional beauty is as much, sometime more, a demonstration of their artistic skill and exceptional fashion sense than natural beauty.
This can include beauty treatments in the evening before bed, showering, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, blow drying, curling and styling, facials, base, eye liner, eye shadow, blush, lip liner, lip stick, nail care, polish, multiple layers of dressing, and, finally, accessories. For some exceptionally attractive women, this is a daily ritual with which a man would have to live if he wanted such a woman. The beauty is a package that includes not just the looks, but the process it takes to achieve those looks. Also keep in mind that the beautiful, stylish clothes also come with a price tag that is also included as part of the relationship.
Likewise with lean, healthy, attractive bodies. Someone has to workout regularly and eat right to maintain such a body. While teens and young adults often benefit from the metabolism and avtivity levels of youth, there comes a time in which the body requires more effort and maintenance to look good. If you enjoy a particularly strong or well-toned body, that does not come without a price. It takes time and effort, and often a carefully controlled diet. It is difficult to maintain these habits if someone has to work full or part time, maintain a home, raise children, or live with someone whose habits are different.
Another oft ill-considered aspect of having an attractive partner is the fact that others will also be attracted to your partner. Many men, though women also suffer from this, pursue attractive partners only to be faced with uncertainty and insecurity. The realization that others also want to be with your partner, married or not, can be quite a struggle for men and women alike.
One man I know married a blonde bombshell, a model with a face and body that easily attracted the attentions of men. Even after she had children, she quickly got back to her bikini-model quality body each and every time. He intructed her to stay home, ostensibly to raise the children, but the level of holding her prisoner in the home indicated that he wanted to keep her out of view of others. When she got a free membership at a gym, he cancelled it and ordered her not to go, not even with a girlfriend. In short, he did everything he could to keep her away from any possible competition, and he even went so far as to sabotage her ability to maintain her appearance.
Another not only felt insecure, but he ridiculed his wife’s appearance. Others, however, uniformly recognized her beauty. Every time someone commented on it, though, he would fly off the handle. If someone who passed by her glanced her up and down, or make a comment about her radiant smile or sparkling eyes, or her astonishing red hair, he might yell at them. He would question their motives and tell them to back off. Then he might pepper his wife with questions about whether she would ever cheat on him or leave him. Her assurances were always that she would not do such a thing because she was a Christian woman of character who was committed to God and made marriage vows to her husband.
In my case, others routinely comment on my wife’s appearance. On those occassions where I am not right next to her, I notice other men looking at her. If I leave her alone for any meaningful length of time, as I did recently at an amusement park while I went looking for something we lost, it is not uncommon for me to return to find some man talking with her. This is common and normal, since I would expect men to be attracted to such a wonderful and gorgeous woman. I think it shows they have good taste, and when they discover that she is married and I am the lucky man who gets to spend the rest of my life with her, they know that I am a fortunately man. Hopefully, it also serves as an example of how a man should not seek to possess his wife.
I do not hold her commitment just because she is a woman of character who made vows before God, though this is true, but because I am a husband of greater quality with more love and intimacy with her than she knows she would find anywhere else. Any man who seeks to find an attractive partner will feel insecure if he knows he is not a good husband, fiance or partner. When this is the case, he will get jealous without cause, possessive or controlling. This should be a warning to both him and her that he does not have the relationship skills to be confident that he can fulfill the intimacy needs of such a woman.
Trying to be attractive for one’s spouse, as either a woman or a man, is part of a show of respect. Partners ought not intentionally abandon part of what attracted their partner in the first place. One woman on her wedding day was heard to announce to her bridesmaids, “Now I can get fat!” She pursued a nice body only to catch a man, and she declared her intention to discontinue her maintentance. This shows a lack of love and respect for her husband. Likewise when a man demeans his wife for gaining a few pounds, or holding on to post-baby fat, or for anything beyond her control or difficult to control. She won’t look the same, and unless he is willing to do what he must to facilitate her pursuit of a nice body, and if he is the sort of man who is worthy of such an effort, he is in no position to say anything at all.
Beauty changes over the years. Two of the most beautiful women I have the pleasure of having in my life are older beauties. My mother is one. She has a fabulous body for someone in her mid-fifties, and she maintains her appearance quite well. My best female friend is likewise in her fifties, and she is astonishingly beautiful and healthy for a woman her age. They are half-century beauties. They don’t look like quarter-century beauties, nor should they. If they did, they would be freaks of nature or would have bought their beauty from a good plastic surgeon (like some seemingly ageless stars). Their beauty shines through their eyes and radiates with their genuine, happy smile, and with the strength, confidence and maturity of their gestures, grace and natural demeanor.
Another beauty I have had the pleasure of knowing has a frumpy body, and she is in her seventies. Her face is wrinkled with smile and laugh lines. Her eyes, though, shine with God’s love and a zest for life seldom seen. Her smile is radiant, sincere and obviously well-used. She is a little spitfire, full of energy and spunk. She is quick with a hug, a prayer, a gesture of appreciation, and she passionately loves her husband and honors him with her words and deeds. While her body may no longer cooperate, her beauty is obvious to all. A man of any age who appreciates the inner beauty of a woman can easily get lost in her eyes.
Both men and women should seek to be attractive to their partners. However, we should seek healthy bodies that glorify God as His temple and show respect for our spouses. We must not be compulsive, diet ourselves to a dead metabolism, or develop eating disorders pursuing an unhealthy counterfiet of a nice body. We should seek to dress attractively for our spouse and apprpriately for the social situation, but without being poor stewards of our money by overspending on clothes.
My wife finds a male body attractive if it is lean, well muscled enough to be clearly male - but not too muscular, and, a particular taste of hers, relatively hairless. One of her attractions to asians has always been that most of them tend to have very little body hair. I am among the more hairy exceptions. So, to look good for my spouse, I try to eat reasonably well, exercise, strength train, and since I naturally have more body hair than she prefers, I remove or minimize the hair on my body. I would not do this on my own, but I do it for her. Its part of how I show my love for her and legitimize the principle of taking reasonable efforts to fulfill the reasonable tastes and desires of a spouse.
We should take reasonable efforts maintain our attractiveness, but we must also understand that beauty is just beauty, it is not more than that. Beauty can attract others, but beauty alone cannot hold them. Attractiveness can honor our spouse before others and show love for them, but it is not the foundation of a loving, intimate relationship. It is an important aspect of our relationships, but it is one facet, that is all.